So I live differently than you
and the rest of the family
I have another faith
and it is apparent in my life style and clothing.
And this is the way for over a decade.
But it could have been worse.
I am tired of defending myself.
Against the society norms, against my family, against the school system, against the false prejudices, against the verbal abuse.
As if it couldn’t be worse.
As if it had been more accepting if I had been worse.
Since that’s the norm in society.
Even if my siblings are decent, good people.
I don’t get the fuss.
Or I get some of it, since they are a product of their society.
So they don’t like it, don’t accept it, don’t want it, because they don’t believe it themselves.
They want me to be like them or adapt to their way of life and get irritated and upset when I stubbornly adhere to my own.
Still, I don’t go tell them what to do or how to change.
I don’t tell them to live life the way I live it or force myself upon them with what I want.
Then of course,
I could have been worse in a lot of ways.
I could have been an alcoholist
But I don’t drink at all and I have never been drunk.
I could have been a drug user
But I have never tried any of it
I could have been smoking
But I have never done that either
I could have been a criminal
But I ain’t
I could have been a narcissist
But I am not
I could have been abusive or behaved bad in general
But I don’t
I could have became a nun, having no kids and lived in total seclusion
But I am not
But I live differently
And it means I don’t do the things they do
But they don’t do the things I do either
So what’s the problem really
They make me feel childish and selfish
I am not in reality
But I have a faith that I believe in and I follow it the way I believe is right. Which means, I don’t simply follow it the way others follow it. And I don’t try to fit in or bend my faith backwards only to adapt to or integrate with or to please others, because that’s not how I believe in it. Besides, I don’t believe they would be pleased with me anyway until I do it the way they think I should, by living life the way they think I should. Since that’s the right way according to them. But why is it not OK that I have my own opinion in a society that congratulates different opinions? Because it’s not OK when it comes to certain beliefs and it’s not OK when it clashes with the norm and with their traditions and life style.
Still, it could have been worse.
It all makes me sad and tired. Because I do care for others, and I do care for others feelings. But I must follow what I believe is right just like they follow what they believe is right. It’s just the way it is. I can’t do it half way. I do my best in following what I think is right. That’s just the way it is. And if that makes me to be called extreme and brainwashed and stupid and whatever, then what can I do about it really if I still don’t want to live this life in a certain way only to please them?