It could have been worse

So I live differently than you

and the rest of the family

I have another faith

and it is apparent in my life style and clothing.

And this is the way for over a decade.

But it could have been worse.

I am tired of defending myself.

Against the society norms, against my family, against the school system, against the false prejudices, against the verbal abuse.

As if it couldn’t be worse.

As if it had been more accepting if I had been worse.

Since that’s the norm in society.

Even if my siblings are decent, good people.

Still,

I don’t get the fuss.

Or I get some of it, since they are a product of their society.

So they don’t like it, don’t accept it, don’t want it, because they don’t believe it themselves.

They want me to be like them or adapt to their way of life and get irritated and upset when I stubbornly adhere to my own.

Still, I don’t go tell them what to do or how to change.

I don’t tell them to live life the way I live it or force myself upon them with what I want.

Then of course,

I could have been worse in a lot of ways.

As in,

I could have been an alcoholist

But I don’t drink at all and I have never been drunk.

I could have been a drug user

But I have never tried any of it

I could have been smoking

But I have never done that either

I could have been a criminal

But I ain’t

I could have been a narcissist

But I am not

I could have been abusive or behaved bad in general

But I don’t

I could have became a nun, having no kids and lived in total seclusion

But I am not

But I live differently

And it means I don’t do the things they do

But they don’t do the things I do either

So what’s the problem really

They make me feel childish and selfish

I am not in reality

But I have a faith that I believe in and I follow it the way I believe is right. Which means, I don’t simply follow it the way others follow it. And I don’t try to fit in or bend my faith backwards only to adapt to or integrate with or to please others, because that’s not how I believe in it. Besides, I don’t believe they would be pleased with me anyway until I do it the way they think I should, by living life the way they think I should. Since that’s the right way according to them. But why is it not OK that I have my own opinion in a society that congratulates different opinions? Because it’s not OK when it comes to certain beliefs and it’s not OK when it clashes with the norm and with their traditions and life style.

Still, it could have been worse.

It all makes me sad and tired. Because I do care for others, and I do care for others feelings. But I must follow what I believe is right just like they follow what they believe is right. It’s just the way it is. I can’t do it half way. I do my best in following what I think is right. That’s just the way it is. And if that makes me to be called extreme and brainwashed and stupid and whatever, then what can I do about it really if I still don’t want to live this life in a certain way only to please them?

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Yeah

In other words;

my kids are well-fed,

I definitely clean up after them because every time I try new ways of make them do it, I end up having to clean up after them anyway since they don’t mind the chaos and rather wait for next Friday to do it, but I certainly mind it.

apparently they have LOTS of fun since the floors are covered with their stuff and clothes and a cleaning ritual only leaves the place shining for a very short period of time (we are speaking of minutes here ladies),

interestingly enough they did not mention the pile of unwashed laundry, or not even having the time for folding the washed laundry,

Yep, wet floors in the bathroom, checked,

Yes, please think twice, although I am pretty sure our place is in another league than what’s thought of here,

So, please make an appointment before anyway, please…

Wouldn’t it be smooth

It is so much easier

To just give in

And in the end give up

Your needs, your wishes, your growth, your resistance, your sense of worth, your desires, your goals, your intents, your visions, your opinions, yourself

In favor of his whatevers

Thinking you do right

By standing aside

While holding the peace

So as to hold it all together

Being less of you

And more of him

Until it’s no longer a trait

Until it’s taken for granted

And you simply can’t take it

Any longer

Since it becomes suffocating

Then again

Wouldn’t it be smooth

To go about life

As if no one else existed

Thinking no one is as worthy

Taking strides

Getting whatever you want

While

Not caring the slightest

Of others at all

To be selfish

Irresponsible

Immature

Offensive

Completely neglectful of where you put your feet

Or which words you utter

Or who you might hurt

While constantly pushing forward

And pushing or sometimes even throwing everyone in your way aside

Preferably even under your own feet

Making your own rules

Living the me-life fully

The thing is it might even work

For a while

Unless you have a conscience

A sense of what is right

And what is wrong

Instead of a lost mind on your shoulders

Thank you (yes, you…and you, and you, and you)

Reading Laurels and Horses blog I always think of this:

Everyone should have a thank you letter every once in a while, particularly the ones having given their all only to be taken advantage of, or anyone in general feeling down and unworthy:

Thank you

For being loyal and caring and kind

For being compassionate and emphatic

For being trustworthy and faithful

For being open minded and honest

For cheering people up

For being fun and easy going

For being selfless in a selfish world

For loving hard with all you have

Thank you

For being a kind soul

For being an awesome mother

For being an excellent friend

For being a loving daughter

For being a caring sister

For being the best of spouses

For being a great colleague

For being an appreciated student

For being a good neighbor

For being a compassionate fellow human being

Thank you

For being real and precious

For giving your all in all relationships and within all areas of life

For encouraging others and cheering them on

For being there for people when they need it the most

For forging on when overwhelmed and exhausted

Thank you

For all you have done and still do

For being the better person

For being true

All in all,

For being you

So be proud of yourself

Be proud of having given your all

For having done your part

Be proud of what you have accomplished

Even if the persons who should (maybe) haven’t or (maybe) won’t acknowledge it

Even if no one at all would appreciate it

Even if no one gave it back

Because

Their failure to appreciate you doesn’t diminish your worth nor the worth of what you did and do

Rather

What you do really matters

And

People like you really make the world into a better place in it’s true sense

So

again,

thank you

❤️

For

being you

❤️

Be in this world like the bee🐝

*Be Like the Bee*

Imam Shams ad-Deen Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah al-Hanbali رحمه الله:

كن فى الدنيا كالنحلة إن أكلت أكلت طيبا وإن أطعمت أطعمت طيبا وإن سقطت على شيء لم تكسره ولم تخدشه

❝ Be in this dunya like a bee, when it eats, it eats what is pure (i.e. nectar); when it feeds, it feeds what is pure (i.e. honey). And when it lands on something, it does not break it nor cause ruin. ❞

[ الفوائد – ص118]

Looking back

Looking back

Everything is black

Like a cloud over my head

Mainly two things on my mind;

I don’t fit in

And,

the “have to’s”

Have to do my daily exercises

100 sit ups

100 push ups

The bathroom will do

So no one notices

I want to walk

Just walk

Don’t want to eat

Not that hungry anyway

Besides nothing tastes good

So what’s the point

Have an issue with my legs

They’re too big

But in reality

All my body is an issue

I am just too much or too little

Plain wrong

Because I don’t fit in

At least I can exercise

And become strong

Using the self hatred

To push me further along

On the journey to depletion

Although that was never my goal

I just needed to avoid milk

To get rid of the eczema

Then suddenly it became

Something else

Because something went amiss

It became

Something I could control

Something to be good at

Competing with myself

Against myself

Until a sentence broke through my resistance

Until my younger brother broke into tears And uttered those words

It opened my eyes

I understood they were hurting

Couldn’t let that happen

Couldn’t be the one to hurt them

Hadn’t really considered that

Had to stop exercising

Had to start eating

Only there wasn’t any place

And I wasn’t even hungry

Had to anyway

Had to force myself to

Had to gain weight

Not wanting to eat in the day

Panicking in the evenings

Senior high school soon starting

Too little time

Have to get the weight back

So no one will notice

And think it’s their fault

Going to bed in pain

Crying

Repeating the pattern

To gain that weight

Starting to overeat instead

Because the control is already lost

And it doesn’t feel good

To eat over your capacity

Buying sweets and cookies

Using them to soothe

Or numb

Refocus

Then punish

Nothing tastes good anyway

Only the sugar is tasting

But I can’t eat that stuff in front of others

Have to eat it in the WC in school or library

Or in my room at home

Feeling ashamed

I don’t fit in

Even if my weight is back to average

Having gained weight

Everyone thinks you’re fine

Since you look normal

To them

But this new

Ain’t you

Ain’t me

Is someone else

I was happy with my body

Before this downfall

Was liking food

Eating when feeling for it

It was just like sleeping

Something you did without thinking too much about it

Enjoying the food

Which tasted good

No longer the case

First I lost 12kg in just a few months

Then when I gained weight

It happened too fast

Again just one or two months

Putting on an extra 10kg instead

Result being

I am no longer at home

Anywhere

Since I am not at home

In my own body

Haven’t been ever since

It isn’t about how it looks in the mirror

Neither about what the scale shows

It’s just about how it feels

Inside

That new body

It’s about feeling different

And feeling bloated

Always bloated

It’s not my stomach

Mainly it’s just not my stomach

But also not my legs

But mostly this feeling of being bloated

I don’t feel good in this body anymore

It just ain’t me

But I don’t want to hurt nobody

Especially not my own family

Suffering in silence instead

Since trying to talk it out hasn’t helped

No one is with me at school anyway

Where I don’t fit in

Where I don’t belong

Why did it even matter?

So I’m getting real good at pretending

Pretending I’m fine

Saying I am

Since I should be

After all it’s no longer visible

The superficial way

Truth is

You can fix the looks pretty fast

But you can’t fix the inside as easily

Besides I have to perform

Have to get good results in school

Even if I have lost my spark and spirit

And I don’t know what to study after

Even if the contempt grows with the cookies I buy

Contempt against my self

Because on the journey back

I lost control

Exchanged it with a habit of overeating instead

Feeling distressed

Feeling alone

Always alone

Even if amongst others

Especially amongst others

Have nothing much to say

Too much going on inside

Not even thinking alike

Not wanting to get drunk and party

Not the outgoing type

Not the football player

Not cool or special

Just simple, calm and quiet

I need a friend

Someone being real

Not fooled by society’s norms

But I am being too mature at the time

In some ways at least

Yet in other ways not

Being this insecure

Too many years have passed by

I am not overeating in that same way

But I crave something everyday

It isn’t even sweets that I’m craving

But I feel the result of it in my teeth now

Nothing visible

But I feel it if I eat something very sweet or very cold

Just the way I feel that I am bloated

Even if it hadn’t been visible

Which it mostly is

Am still not at home with my body

Not underweight

Not overweight

Just avarage

But I am still an emotional eater

Still using sweets as a soothing source

If a certain someone is around

Because something is still amiss

Haven’t gotten back this natural relation to food

Am still not comfortable eating in front of others

Mindful of every single mouthful

Sweets being the only thing I can turn to

In lack of a real person

A real friend

Because to everyone else

I am still pretending

Pretending that I’m fine

While more problems have been added up over the years

Still assuring them that I’m fine with that too

That nothing’s amiss

After all,

Too many years have passed by,

right?

And I should be just fine

What have you survived (on a fun note)? Part 1

I thought about what I have survived on the fun note, and considering the fact that I have six siblings there must be some worth to mention, so am trying to recall those in a blog post;

First out must be the very fact that all of us 7 siblings survived living near a stream, a lake and the end of a river (a feature I am not as sure to have succeeded in with my own kids).

My big (but back then very young) sister survived being an inmate with the goats for some hours when our father delegated the task of babysitting to my older (but then obviously far too young) brother.

– Where’s your sister?!

– Ehem…, in there?🐐🐐🐐😬.

I, stubborn already then, and so determined to go to the gymnastic lesson just like my older sister, survived taking a stroll in the snowy winter evening in some – degrees C with only boots and a cap when my older siblings watched TV 📺 – until our nearest neighbor spotted me through their window some 800 m further down the road and lured me in by offering me sweet buns.🌨❄️😏

I also survived falling down a tree on a rainy day, with the hopes of finally getting myself my own pet in the form of a little bird – who by that fall thankfully escaped me 😅 . Then somehow my sister later on mixed up that story into being about me saving a bird by putting it back to its nest 😂. Which I found out only a few years ago when she had made a blog post about childhood memories and I had to right her about that one 😂 The thing she did get right was my love for animals 🧐

My youngest older brother survived having given away my oldest brothers savings to my grandmother on her birthday😁. – What?!!! Thats MY money!!

I have thankfully survived six childbirths (and thankfully the kids have survived me too, at least so far😅)

Dancing with the devil

 

17/5–19

 

Dancing with the devil

is indeed an evil play

Or a war with invisible forces

Going on every night and day

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to try to keep the addiction at bay

While constantly being reminded of

That it doesn’t matter whatever I say

 

Dancing with the devil

Is a fight I can never win

Because the darkness is swelling within you

And your self restraint is far too thin

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to let desire and selfishness take lead

While thinking that holes can be filled

With whatever you crave for the moment

Or whatever you think that you need

(That is, the usual feed)

 

Dancing with the devil

Is addiction at its core

Where I am made into the witch

An enemy in your war

 

And in this dance of evil

I, am never right

And when I fight your addiction

You don’t even seem to fight

Still you drag me into it

Day as well as night

 

For a relative,

Dancing with the devil

Is to help when it isn’t wanted

Is to loose when the will is not strong

Is to be thought as being wrong

For far too long

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to watch destruction at its core

Is to know that disaster is coming

Is to participate in that war

 

Dancing with the devil

means hardships and despair

No nights or days are holy

Because addiction don’t really care

 

Dancing with the devil

Addiction at its core

Where I am bleeding when you bleed

But all you want is more

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to be lost and never sound

Amidst lies, deceit and darkness

Where will truth be found

 

Dancing with the devil

Do I stand back and say

I don’t want to be in any longer

I have become colder and stronger

Not buying your lies or taking this play

Wearing me out both night and day

Or do I just stay

Hoping to make a difference

 

Dancing with the devil

It’s over now I hope

You can take your darkness with you

Go on with your dancing, your feed

I can’t take it any longer

Or maybe I simply became stronger

(However drained I feel)

Whatever the reason, I say

I’m out, will no longer stay

Won’t dance this dance any longer

 

Dancing with the devil

I am handling over this play

Can’t fight a fight you should shoulder

Can’t win a battle you should overcome

Can’t make you want what you seemingly don’t

Can’t make you cease what you only increase

As your relative I don’t have a say

You keep getting more astray

While I’m getting used to being walked over

I’m battled and bruised but on my way

Away from this evil play

 

Dancing with the devil

means fighting the war within

Only, I cant fight the war within you

It can’t be me fighting your sin

So the devil finally win

Read

Shaytaan = the devil

I am near