It could have been worse

So I live differently than you

and the rest of the family

I have another faith

and it is apparent in my life style and clothing.

And this is the way for over a decade.

But it could have been worse.

I am tired of defending myself.

Against the society norms, against my family, against the school system, against the false prejudices, against the verbal abuse.

As if it couldn’t be worse.

As if it had been more accepting if I had been worse.

Since that’s the norm in society.

Even if my siblings are decent, good people.

Still,

I don’t get the fuss.

Or I get some of it, since they are a product of their society.

So they don’t like it, don’t accept it, don’t want it, because they don’t believe it themselves.

They want me to be like them or adapt to their way of life and get irritated and upset when I stubbornly adhere to my own.

Still, I don’t go tell them what to do or how to change.

I don’t tell them to live life the way I live it or force myself upon them with what I want.

Then of course,

I could have been worse in a lot of ways.

As in,

I could have been an alcoholist

But I don’t drink at all and I have never been drunk.

I could have been a drug user

But I have never tried any of it

I could have been smoking

But I have never done that either

I could have been a criminal

But I ain’t

I could have been a narcissist

But I am not

I could have been abusive or behaved bad in general

But I don’t

I could have became a nun, having no kids and lived in total seclusion

But I am not

But I live differently

And it means I don’t do the things they do

But they don’t do the things I do either

So what’s the problem really

They make me feel childish and selfish

I am not in reality

But I have a faith that I believe in and I follow it the way I believe is right. Which means, I don’t simply follow it the way others follow it. And I don’t try to fit in or bend my faith backwards only to adapt to or integrate with or to please others, because that’s not how I believe in it. Besides, I don’t believe they would be pleased with me anyway until I do it the way they think I should, by living life the way they think I should. Since that’s the right way according to them. But why is it not OK that I have my own opinion in a society that congratulates different opinions? Because it’s not OK when it comes to certain beliefs and it’s not OK when it clashes with the norm and with their traditions and life style.

Still, it could have been worse.

It all makes me sad and tired. Because I do care for others, and I do care for others feelings. But I must follow what I believe is right just like they follow what they believe is right. It’s just the way it is. I can’t do it half way. I do my best in following what I think is right. That’s just the way it is. And if that makes me to be called extreme and brainwashed and stupid and whatever, then what can I do about it really if I still don’t want to live this life in a certain way only to please them?

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Yeah

In other words;

my kids are well-fed,

I definitely clean up after them because every time I try new ways of make them do it, I end up having to clean up after them anyway since they don’t mind the chaos and rather wait for next Friday to do it, but I certainly mind it.

apparently they have LOTS of fun since the floors are covered with their stuff and clothes and a cleaning ritual only leaves the place shining for a very short period of time (we are speaking of minutes here ladies),

interestingly enough they did not mention the pile of unwashed laundry, or not even having the time for folding the washed laundry,

Yep, wet floors in the bathroom, checked,

Yes, please think twice, although I am pretty sure our place is in another league than what’s thought of here,

So, please make an appointment before anyway, please…

Wouldn’t it be smooth

It is so much easier

To just give in
And in the end give up
Your needs, your wishes, your growth, your resistance, your sense of worth, your desires, your goals, your intents, your visions, your opinions, yourself
In favor of his whatevers
Thinking you do right
By standing aside
While holding the peace
So as to hold it all together
Being less of you
And more of him
Until it’s no longer a trait
Until it’s taken for granted
And you simply can’t take it
Any longer
Since it becomes suffocating

Then again
Wouldn’t it be smooth
To go about life
As if no one else existed
Thinking no one is as worthy
Taking strides
Getting whatever you want
While
Not caring the slightest
Of others at all
To be selfish
Irresponsible
Immature
Offensive
Completely neglectful of where you put your feet
Or which words you utter
Or who you might hurt
While constantly pushing forward
And pushing or sometimes even throwing everyone in your way aside
Preferably even under your own feet
Making your own rules
Living the me-life fully
The thing is it might even work
For a while
Unless you have a conscience
A sense of what is right
And what is wrong
Instead of a lost mind on your shoulders

Thank you (yes, you…and you, and you, and you)

Reading Laurels and Horses blog I always think of this:
Everyone should have a thank you letter every once in a while, particularly the ones having given their all only to be taken advantage of, or anyone in general feeling down and unworthy:

Thank you

For being loyal and caring and kind
For being compassionate and emphatic
For being trustworthy and faithful
For being open minded and honest
For cheering people up
For being fun and easy going
For being selfless in a selfish world
For loving hard with all you have
Thank you
For being a kind soul
For being an awesome mother
For being an excellent friend
For being a loving daughter
For being a caring sister
For being the best of spouses
For being a great colleague
For being an appreciated student
For being a good neighbor
For being a compassionate fellow human being
Thank you
For being real and precious
For giving your all in all relationships and within all areas of life
For encouraging others and cheering them on
For being there for people when they need it the most
For forging on when overwhelmed and exhausted
Thank you
For all you have done and still do
For being the better person
For being true
All in all,
For being you
So be proud of yourself
Be proud of having given your all
For having done your part
Be proud of what you have accomplished
Even if the persons who should (maybe) haven’t or (maybe) won’t acknowledge it
Even if no one at all would appreciate it
Even if no one gave it back
Because
Their failure to appreciate you doesn’t diminish your worth nor the worth of what you did and do
Rather
What you do really matters
And
People like you really make the world into a better place in it’s true sense
So
again,
thank you
❤️
For
being you
❤️

Be in this world like the bee🐝

*Be Like the Bee*

Imam Shams ad-Deen Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah al-Hanbali رحمه الله:

كن فى الدنيا كالنحلة إن أكلت أكلت طيبا وإن أطعمت أطعمت طيبا وإن سقطت على شيء لم تكسره ولم تخدشه

❝ Be in this dunya like a bee, when it eats, it eats what is pure (i.e. nectar); when it feeds, it feeds what is pure (i.e. honey). And when it lands on something, it does not break it nor cause ruin. ❞

[ الفوائد – ص118]

Looking back

Looking back

Everything is black
Like a cloud over my head
Mainly two things on my mind;
I don’t fit in
And,
the “have to’s”
Have to do my daily exercises
100 sit ups
100 push ups
The bathroom will do
So no one notices
I want to walk
Just walk
Don’t want to eat
Not that hungry anyway
Besides nothing tastes good
So what’s the point
Have an issue with my legs
They’re too big
But in reality
All my body is an issue
I am just too much or too little
Plain wrong
Because I don’t fit in
At least I can exercise
And become strong
Using the self hatred
To push me further along
On the journey to depletion
Although that was never my goal
I just needed to avoid milk
To get rid of the eczema
Then suddenly it became
Something else
Because something went amiss
It became
Something I could control
Something to be good at
Competing with myself
Against myself
Until a sentence broke through my resistance
Until my younger brother broke into tears And uttered those words
It opened my eyes
I understood they were hurting
Couldn’t let that happen
Couldn’t be the one to hurt them
Hadn’t really considered that
Had to stop exercising
Had to start eating
Only there wasn’t any place
And I wasn’t even hungry
Had to anyway
Had to force myself to
Had to gain weight
Not wanting to eat in the day
Panicking in the evenings
Senior high school soon starting
Too little time
Have to get the weight back
So no one will notice
And think it’s their fault
Going to bed in pain
Crying
Repeating the pattern
To gain that weight
Starting to overeat instead
Because the control is already lost
And it doesn’t feel good
To eat over your capacity
Buying sweets and cookies
Using them to soothe
Or numb
Refocus
Then punish
Nothing tastes good anyway
Only the sugar is tasting
But I can’t eat that stuff in front of others
Have to eat it in the WC in school or library
Or in my room at home
Feeling ashamed
I don’t fit in
Even if my weight is back to average
Having gained weight
Everyone thinks you’re fine
Since you look normal
To them
But this new
Ain’t you
Ain’t me
Is someone else
I was happy with my body
Before this downfall
Was liking food
Eating when feeling for it
It was just like sleeping
Something you did without thinking too much about it
Enjoying the food
Which tasted good
No longer the case
First I lost 12kg in just a few months
Then when I gained weight
It happened too fast
Again just one or two months
Putting on an extra 10kg instead
Result being
I am no longer at home
Anywhere
Since I am not at home
In my own body
Haven’t been ever since
It isn’t about how it looks in the mirror
Neither about what the scale shows
It’s just about how it feels
Inside
That new body
It’s about feeling different
And feeling bloated
Always bloated
It’s not my stomach
Mainly it’s just not my stomach
But also not my legs
But mostly this feeling of being bloated
I don’t feel good in this body anymore
It just ain’t me
But I don’t want to hurt nobody
Especially not my own family
Suffering in silence instead
Since trying to talk it out hasn’t helped
No one is with me at school anyway
Where I don’t fit in
Where I don’t belong
Why did it even matter?
So I’m getting real good at pretending
Pretending I’m fine
Saying I am
Since I should be
After all it’s no longer visible
The superficial way
Truth is
You can fix the looks pretty fast
But you can’t fix the inside as easily
Besides I have to perform
Have to get good results in school
Even if I have lost my spark and spirit
And I don’t know what to study after
Even if the contempt grows with the cookies I buy
Contempt against my self
Because on the journey back
I lost control
Exchanged it with a habit of overeating instead
Feeling distressed
Feeling alone
Always alone
Even if amongst others
Especially amongst others
Have nothing much to say
Too much going on inside
Not even thinking alike
Not wanting to get drunk and party
Not the outgoing type
Not the football player
Not cool or special
Just simple, calm and quiet
I need a friend
Someone being real
Not fooled by society’s norms
But I am being too mature at the time
In some ways at least
Yet in other ways not
Being this insecure
Too many years have passed by
I am not overeating in that same way
But I crave something everyday
It isn’t even sweets that I’m craving
But I feel the result of it in my teeth now
Nothing visible
But I feel it if I eat something very sweet or very cold
Just the way I feel that I am bloated
Even if it hadn’t been visible
Which it mostly is
Am still not at home with my body
Not underweight
Not overweight
Just avarage
But I am still an emotional eater
Still using sweets as a soothing source
If a certain someone is around
Because something is still amiss
Haven’t gotten back this natural relation to food
Am still not comfortable eating in front of others
Mindful of every single mouthful
Sweets being the only thing I can turn to
In lack of a real person
A real friend
Because to everyone else
I am still pretending
Pretending that I’m fine
While more problems have been added up over the years
Still assuring them that I’m fine with that too
That nothing’s amiss
After all,
Too many years have passed by,
right?
And I should be just fine

What have you survived (on a fun note)? Part 1

I thought about what I have survived on the fun note, and considering the fact that I have six siblings there must be some worth to mention, so am trying to recall those in a blog post;
First out must be the very fact that all of us 7 siblings survived living near a stream, a lake and the end of a river (a feature I am not as sure to have succeeded in with my own kids).
My big (but back then very young) sister survived being an inmate with the goats for some hours when our father delegated the task of babysitting to my older (but then obviously far too young) brother.
– Where’s your sister?!
– Ehem…, in there?🐐🐐🐐😬.
I, stubborn already then, and so determined to go to the gymnastic lesson just like my older sister, survived taking a stroll in the snowy winter evening in some – degrees C with only boots and a cap when my older siblings watched TV 📺 – until our nearest neighbor spotted me through their window some 800 m further down the road and lured me in by offering me sweet buns.🌨❄️😏
I also survived falling down a tree on a rainy day, with the hopes of finally getting myself my own pet in the form of a little bird – who by that fall thankfully escaped me 😅 . Then somehow my sister later on mixed up that story into being about me saving a bird by putting it back to its nest 😂. Which I found out only a few years ago when she had made a blog post about childhood memories and I had to right her about that one 😂 The thing she did get right was my love for animals 🧐
My youngest older brother survived having given away my oldest brothers savings to my grandmother on her birthday😁. – What?!!! Thats MY money!!
I have thankfully survived six childbirths (and thankfully the kids have survived me too, at least so far😅)

Dancing with the devil

 

17/5–19

 

Dancing with the devil

is indeed an evil play

Or a war with invisible forces

Going on every night and day

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to try to keep the addiction at bay

While constantly being reminded of

That it doesn’t matter whatever I say

 

Dancing with the devil

Is a fight I can never win

Because the darkness is swelling within you

And your self restraint is far too thin

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to let desire and selfishness take lead

While thinking that holes can be filled

With whatever you crave for the moment

Or whatever you think that you need

(That is, the usual feed)

 

Dancing with the devil

Is addiction at its core

Where I am made into the witch

An enemy in your war

 

And in this dance of evil

I, am never right

And when I fight your addiction

You don’t even seem to fight

Still you drag me into it

Day as well as night

 

For a relative,

Dancing with the devil

Is to help when it isn’t wanted

Is to loose when the will is not strong

Is to be thought as being wrong

For far too long

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to watch destruction at its core

Is to know that disaster is coming

Is to participate in that war

 

Dancing with the devil

means hardships and despair

No nights or days are holy

Because addiction don’t really care

 

Dancing with the devil

Addiction at its core

Where I am bleeding when you bleed

But all you want is more

 

Dancing with the devil

Is to be lost and never sound

Amidst lies, deceit and darkness

Where will truth be found

 

Dancing with the devil

Do I stand back and say

I don’t want to be in any longer

I have become colder and stronger

Not buying your lies or taking this play

Wearing me out both night and day

Or do I just stay

Hoping to make a difference

 

Dancing with the devil

It’s over now I hope

You can take your darkness with you

Go on with your dancing, your feed

I can’t take it any longer

Or maybe I simply became stronger

(However drained I feel)

Whatever the reason, I say

I’m out, will no longer stay

Won’t dance this dance any longer

 

Dancing with the devil

I am handling over this play

Can’t fight a fight you should shoulder

Can’t win a battle you should overcome

Can’t make you want what you seemingly don’t

Can’t make you cease what you only increase

As your relative I don’t have a say

You keep getting more astray

While I’m getting used to being walked over

I’m battled and bruised but on my way

Away from this evil play

 

Dancing with the devil

means fighting the war within

Only, I cant fight the war within you

It can’t be me fighting your sin

So the devil finally win